"Beam Me Anywhere but Here, Scottie"

My sisters and I were recently discussing the benefits of teleportation (well, mostly the benefits. We did consider the possibility of suddenly finding our father's arm hovering before us, his voice calling from a distance, wondering if we can help him with this *&$! teleport thing). Are we the only ones, or has anyone else noticed an unprecedented lack of speed on the part of all twenty-first century geniuses to develop this form of travel? That's the problem with geniuses. They're just so inconsiderate. I mean, who cares about cloning and fingertip-sized telephones? I just want to be able to get from point A to point B without having to set foot in an airport.

Unfortunately, I have to set foot in one tomorrow. And I still haven't recovered from setting foot in one two days ago when my entire traveling experience was a nightmare. First, by the time I got from my place to the airport, which should have been a 45-minute trip, I could practically have driven halfway to Chicago (my final destination). I still have no idea why we sat in traffic just long enough to convince me I'd missed my flight. Luckily, my flight was delayed.

Normally, I hate delayed flights. Delayed flights are why I travel light and never check my luggage. (I've discovered the hard way that luggage, when left on its own while you sit for hours on a runway wondering if your flight is ever going to leave, will take matters into its own hands and hop aboard a flight to Key West while you're heading for NYC. ) This time, though, I felt nothing but relief when I was told my flight had been delayed. The feeling of relief began to wane a bit once we hit the 40-minute mark with no evidence of a plane in sight. By the time we reached the hour mark, I'd forgotten what relief was. After boarding and then sitting on the runway for 45 more minutes, I was reminded of John Cleese's wonderful line from the movie Clockwise in which he says it isn't the despair, that he can take the despair. It's the hope he can't stand (I so often relate to that line).

Who says flying is the quickest way to get there? I just want to know where I can sign up to be a volunteer in human teleportation experiments, preferably by tomorrow.