Enthusiastically Telecommuting

One evening last week, Bob came home all excited for me to take with him the Enneagram Type Indicator Test. This is a psychological assessment he’d been introduced to at work. Full disclosure here: I’m a complete sucker for any type of psychological testing. I haven’t done it yet, but I’ve toyed with the idea of paying a fortune to find out if I’m an ENTP (or whatever the letters might be on the Myers Briggs). Thus, no arm twisting was needed that night.

We didn’t take the full test. What we took was the online sampler http://www.enneagraminstitute.com/dis_sample_36.asp (for anyone who’s interested), which “cannot guarantee that your basic personality type will be indicated, although your type will most likely be in the top three scores in this personality test.” Well, I was so excessively a “Type 7, The Enthusiast” I see no need to take the full test. Especially since the description fit me to a tee. Bob is a “Type 1, The Reformer.” His fit him perfectly, too. What an amazing little test to peg us both so accurately.

Except, then I started to think about it. I was focusing on the “high-spirited,” “playful,” and “constantly seek new and exciting experiences” bits. Begrudgingly I admitted, as well, that I can “…misapply my many talents, becoming overextended…” I completely agreed (while yawning) that I can “…become distracted and exhausted by staying on the go,” and that (annoyed with the length of time we spent looking at Bob’s results, while I wanted to see what mine were) I “typically have problems with impatience and impulsiveness.” When I took a closer look, though, some of the major traits didn’t seem to describe me at all.

The first traits listed were “extroverted” and “optimistic.” Well, there may be some who think I’m extroverted, because I’ve paid close attention to what it takes not to be a complete social outcast in this society (and I have a desperate desire not to be hated by everybody), so have learned to act accordingly, but my instincts are to stay holed up away from others and to read and write all day. Skip the tiny little detail of the husband going crazy and chasing me with an ax, and I would have loved to have been Shelley Duvall’s Wendy in The Shining. And my whole life revolves around believing the worst is about to happen, so I can always be pleasantly surprised when it doesn’t. Only a fool would go around expecting and thinking the best, winding up constantly disappointed.

My introversion and pessimism are what have made me such a great candidate for telecommuting. I stay holed up and read and write all day (granted, not novels, biographies, and blog posts, but rather proposals, sample manuscript pages, and emails. Still...) I’m convinced this job and my telecommuting status can’t possibly last, because I like them so much (and nothing I like this much ever lasts), so I work extra hard and accomplish much more than I ever expected I would.

Can you imagine an “enthusiastic telecommuter?” Does she give her motivational speeches to the dog? Does she go around inspiring the living room furniture to exceed its goals? The enthusiast is the one who arranges the birthday parties and the surprise baby showers, isn’t she? I’m not about to have all those people come burrowing down into my hole.

Okay, so I was enthusiastic about it all initially. Now, I’d just say, psychological tests are a lot like horoscope descriptions, aren’t they? List a billion traits, and you’re bound to hit upon some that ring true. Just don’t think about it too much, and you can happily believe you absolutely are such a Pisces.

I think I’ll save that Myers-Briggs money for a full-body massage instead.