Friday, June 12, 2009

But If We Started Dating...

A friend of mine on Facebook pointed me in the direction of this hilarious article from The Onion (which I have cut and pasted below). I laughed, the sort of laugh that comes from being all-too-familiar with a certain situation. I had to go back in time to remember exactly what it felt like to be in that situation, though, because, of course, I'm married now and, thank God, no longer have to deal with such sticky predicaments (just a whole bunch of different sticky predicaments). While traveling back to those pre-Bob days, I passed the other side of this story, sitting at a bar with a group of gorgeous women, and decided it needed to be told, too. I dragged it back with me to tell it here (it follows the cut-and-pasted story below).

But If We Started Dating It Would Ruin Our Friendship Where I Ask You To Do Things And You Do Them

By Kimberly Pruitt
June 9, 2009 | Issue 45•24

I really like you. I do. You're so nice, and sweet, and you listen to all my problems and respond with the appropriate compliments. But, well, I don't really see a relationship in our future. It would be terrible if we let sex destroy this great friendship we have where I get everything I want and you get nothing you want. Don't you think?

I knew you would understand. You always do.

We're so perfect as friends, you know? I can tell you anything, and you know you can always come to me anytime you need to hear me bitch about work or how ugly I feel. You wouldn't want to ruin a friendship like that just so you could be my boyfriend, and have me look at you with desire and longing in my eyes, if only once—would you? Of course not. Well, if we started dating, it would only complicate this wonderful setup I've got going here.

It's just…you're like my best friend, and I would hate for something you desperately want to change that. I mean, sure, we could go on some dates, maybe mess around a little and finally validate the six years you've spent languishing in this platonic nightmare, but then what? How could we ever go back to the way we were, where I take advantage of your clear attraction to me so I can have someone at my beck and call? That part of our friendship means so much to me.

No. We are just destined to be really, really good friends who only hang out when I don't have a boyfriend, but still need male attention to boost my fragile and all-consuming ego.

Anything can happen once you bring romance in. Think about how awful my last relationship was at the end, remember? The guy I'd call you crying about at 3 a.m. because he wouldn't answer my texts? The guy I met at the birthday party you threw me? I had insanely passionate sex with him for four months and now we don't even talk anymore. God, I would die if something like that happened to us.

Plus, ick, can you even imagine getting naked in front of each other? I've known you so long, you're more like a brother that I've drunkenly made out with twice and never mentioned again. It'd be way too weird. And if we did, then whenever you'd come shopping with me, or go to one of my performances or charity events, or take me for ice cream when I've had a bad day at work, you'd be looking at me like, "I've seen her breasts." God, I can't think of anything more awkward that that.

Oh, before I forget, my mom says hi.

Anyway, you would totally hate me as your girlfriend. I'd be all needy and dramatic and slowly growing to love you. If I was your girlfriend, I would never be able to tell you all about the other asshole guys I date and pretend I don't see how much it crushes you. Let's never lose that. That's what makes us us.

Don't worry. You're so funny and smart and amazing, any girl but me would be lucky to date you. You'll find someone, I know it. And when you do, I'll be right by your side to suddenly become all flirty and affectionate with you in front of her, until she grows jealous and won't believe it when you say we're just friends. But when she dumps you, that's just what we'll be.

Best friends. Friends forever.


But If We Started Dating It Would Ruin My Chances of Screwing Real Hot Babes

by Emily Barton
June 12, 2009|Post #494

I like you. I really do. You know I like you because we've wound up in bed a few times now over the past couple of months. But I really hope you're not reading anything into this. No, it's not that I don't think you're attractive. You are plenty attractive. Obviously, it's not that. I wouldn't wind up in bed with you if you weren't attractive. I mean, you know me, I like pretty girls. Well, yes, you do happen to know about that one time when I was so wasted I woke up next to "Gertrude Gorilla," and called her that because I couldn't remember her name, but you know, you're not supposed to hold that against me. That's our funny story, a secret between you and me. That's why we're such good friends. We tell each other things like that. I would never call you "Gertrude Gorilla." Anyway, please don't get clingy or possessive with me or anything now. We're just "friendly friends," you know.

We've had sex. It's no big deal, and it only happened because none of the hot babes who really interest me will return my calls. And, you know, well, a guy has needs. Oh, there you go with that you're not hot enough for me stuff again. Will you cut it out? You're very cute in a sort of, girl-next-door kind of way. And, you know, I've always thought you have a fine ass.

Don't you ever get a little embarrassed by all those not-so-subtle hints our friends throw out at us about making such a great couple and knowing we'll get married one day? Well, sure we get along better than all the "coupled" couples we know, but that's no reason to think we ought to start getting serious, tying ourselves down. I did hear your sister when she said we seemed like a happily married couple, but I'm not into that "happily married" stuff. You know, I'd much prefer to wait around for someone who makes me absolutely miserable, and besides, I'm not sure I ever want to be tied down. I just want a hot babe -- or two -- or three, babes I can show off to all my friends, especially those who are tied down, to make them jealous.

Besides, you of all people, know that I'm still not really over Karen, the woman who did nothing but criticize me, walk all over me, make me feel like a complete shit, and then up and moved to Hawaii, taking both our cats with her. I know it's been three years, but it's just so hard to get over a woman like that. And God, you know, I really, really do think you're great, but you and I just don't have what Karen and I had, you know? I need that if I'm going to commit myself to someone, and I miss it -- miss her -- terribly.

Of course I love you. Of course you're my best friend. I just don't love you like that. You are probably the most fabulous woman on the planet, and some guy is going to be extremely lucky to meet you one day. Remember, though, you're not allowed to find him without my help. We all know what a cretin magnet you are and that you can't be trusted to find your own boyfriends. Don't worry, as soon as I find Mr.-Right-For-You, I will bring him around, introduce you to him. In the meantime, do you mind if we still, you know, wake up in the same bed naked together, on occasion, when I'm really horny and can't find someone hotter than you to wake up with me instead?

7 comments:

Courtney said...

Very timely post considering last night I did the unthinkable and watched "He's just not that into you" which - don't judge me - didn't suck. I am SO glad I'm married. I could hardly handle all that drama at nineteen - don't think I would do well at all now. I would have to remain single or hire a matchmaker or something.

Susan said...

I love the his and her viewpoints! Each of them are awful people! But so true.....

Nicely done, Emily!! lol And I'm happily married and so glad I'm out of that world :-D

litlove said...

This is terribly funny but makes me feel faintly inadequate. I never dated any men who slept around and I never had male friends I needed to fight off. If you could write a piece about the sort of woman who can never manage to extricate herself from any relationship for fear of hurting someone, I could certainly relate to that. ;-)

Stefanie said...

Oh, I think you gave The Onion a one up! I'm going to be laughing all day!

Emily Barton said...

Court, yes, one of the big benefits of marriage is no longer having to date, isn't it?

Susan, thank you. After I wrote it, I thought, "are men and women really this bad to each other?" Unfortunately, I think, "yes," even given the exaggeration and extremes to well, you know, make you lol.

Litlove, oh, I could definitely write that one, too. Maybe I'll save that character for a novel, though.

Stef, oh, I'm blushing again. Thanks!

Dorothy W. said...

Oh, that was great! I'm very glad to have the guy's version as well as the woman's. Both pieces were very funny -- and yes, thank God, no need to deal with that stuff any more for me either.

Emily Barton said...

Dorr, glad you liked it and were happy to have both points of view. I'm also glad I've helped all us married folks realize how lucky we are (now, if I can just remember that next time we're having a big fight over something really important, you know, like who scatters more kitty litter on the floor when emptying the litter box).