Friday, December 07, 2007

Francis Friday

I had told Mandarine that once I got a cat, I'd post his or her picture once a month. Since Mandarine posts his the first Monday of every month, it seems appropriate to post Francis the first Friday of every month. This is where he likes to sit while I'm working. My desk is to the right of this old couch, which is probably going to need to be re-stuffed as he gets bigger and bigger and that back cushion becomes more and more crushed. The other day it snowed, and he sat up on that windowsill behind him and watched the mysterious white stuff coming from the sky for hours.


Hey look, the smaller of the Huge Food Dispensers (HFD from here on out) has finally left the fascinating flashing screen open and abandoned, and with a picture ME nonetheless. But what slander. I knew perfectly well I was looking at snow. Everyone told me when I was out in the Big World that it would be best to find shelter before the snow came. It's just pretty to watch. Anyway, normally when I try to jump on HFD's lap when she's playing with the fascinating flashing screen, she won't let me paw at or walk across the black buttons, but now that I've got it all to myself, I thought it was about high time you heard my side of the story.

Oh, hold on a minute. There's an evil dust ball peeking out from under the desk. I've got to go pounce on it and bat it around a bit before it takes over the whole house. I'll be right back...

Phew! I'm back, but that was a close call. You see that dust ball was merely a decoy for the PAPER CLIP that thought it could sneak by while the dust ball was distracting me. I showed it. Honestly, I don't know how these HFDs managed to survive in this house full of menacing creatures before I arrived. The tassels are some of the worst. Tassels everywhere: their pillows, their carpets, their lampshades...Luckily, the HFDs weren't here too long before I came to save the day.

I didn't mean to terrify you, though, with mention of such things as tassels and paper clips, and I won't say anything about my brave adventures with the horrible pajama tie that broke off the smaller HFD's pajamas. Rest assured, I'm taking care of it all now, so you need not fear for the HFDs. Now, back to my story.

When I was out in the Big World, working hard for my food, but valiantly carrying on, my fellow kinsmen and other friendly folk would talk of the HFDs. To tell you the truth, I wasn't sure I believed they really existed. I mean, they seemed pretty unbelievable, these giants who walk on two legs, live in enclosed spaces, choosing to trap themselves in these enclosed spaces with all of the most terrifying and threatening monsters known to the world. You name it, they lock themselves in with it: ribbons! buttons! cords! wrapping paper! shoelaces! They actually wear those buttons dangerously close to their hearts, of all the stupid things to do.

The word on the street, though, was "don't laugh at them. Try to find some that will let you live with them. They may be stupid, wandering around, barely managing to escape death each day, but they dispense food twice a day." This food is amazing. They put it in a little round trap that obviously subdues it so that it just sits there and lets you eat it. You don't have to track it down. You don't have to chase after it. Pretty unbelievable, huh?

Well, I thought so. I also thought that the way to capture an HFD of my very own sounded like something straight out of Edith Hamilton. Starve yourself, arrive looking pitiful, cuddle up to them and purr if they pick you up? Except for the starving part, it seemed way too easy. I was told the best target was a kitten HFD who would immediately go running to any adult HFDs nearby to announce my existence, guaranteeing my acceptance into their enclosed space.

I'm here to tell you it's no myth. I found a bunch of kitten HFDs, dangerously hitting a light sphere with a light stick, but I had so successfully starved myself, I didn't have the strength to protect them. All I could do was creep pitifully out of the bushes, which is when they immediately did as predicted and raced inside to tell the adults. Before I knew it, I was being passed around from one HFD to another. And I promise you, it's no lie. The biggest sucker is easy to smell. I knew it from the instant he held me to his chest where I spotted the hideous buttons that proved how badly he needed me.

That, my friends, is how I came to live in this enclosed space where, in exchange for keeping pens and pencils on the floor, trapped behind couches and chairs, I never have to worry about a juicy meal that gets away. I'd say, it's a rather fair exchange.

Oh my! Look at the time! It's 10:00 p.m. I'd better hurry up, or I'm going to be late for the dance-pounce-and-scamper-about hours of the day. Can you believe those dumb HFDs think this time of day is meant for sleep?


mandarine said...

Due to unfindability of USB cord, Mandarine's Monday appearance will be postponed to the second Monday in December.

Froshty said...

Hello, Francis, we'd like to introduce ourselves. We're your cousins Finny and Sammy and we live with an HFD that's connected to your smaller HFD in some way. Our HFD lives with some almost grown kitten HFDs and that's how we came to live here. We want you to know that you must always remain vigilant because those poor HFDs really have no clue about how dangerous things are. We protect ours from rolls of paper towels and toilet paper, bread bag twist ties, safety pins, scraps of paper, curtains, those little plastic things that come out of milk cartons, dangerous boxes with flashing lights that are under the tables where flashing screens are kept, push pins, and all those straps that they have attached to things. Our big sister Sausage also takes care of our HFD by watching her like a vulture perched high atop her flashing screen's noise box to make sure that none of those flashing screens decide to attack her. Sammy has also discovered that if you run across the bottom part of the flashing screen where the keys are really fast, there's nothing that the HFD can do. Sammy also protects the HFD from air conditioning units by lying on top of them so that they don't jump out the window and harm the HFD. All of this is a lot of hard work, which is why we sleep a lot of the day, but it's worth it because the HFD makes sure that we always have food in the mornings and for that, we love her.

Charlotte said...

Francis is adorable and I think he knows it.

IM said...

I really hope this you will give us continual updates Francis. I don't want anything to happen those HFDs, and it will be your task to prevent that. By the way, I'm a HFD too, and my "guardians from evil diet-soda caps" never let me forget it. Have you tried pouncing on an HFD in the middle of the night? We make a funny sound.

Anonymous said...

Oh, welcome, Francis. I miss having pets...
Emily, can you email me your email again? I am attempting to email you, Dorothy and Bloglily about New York but stupidly, insanely, ridiculously, wrote your address down wrong. I am so embarrassed!

Anonymous said...

Mandarine, looking forward to seeing the Monday installment.

Finny and Sammy, I see this stupidity of the HFDs must run in the family. And yes, I have to sleep a lot, too, after a tough morning of taking care of dust balls and pens.

Charlotte, why, of course. You'd know it, too, if you looked like me.

IM, why, yes, I HAVE tried that pounce on the HFD trick. It's lots of fun to hear the noises they make. I'll do my best to keep up the hard work of keeping these ones safe.

Courtney, I'd highly recommend getting one of us to protect you soon.

litlove said...

I let my cats read this and they are keen to have Francis over to play but they gave me the kind of looks that said, don't think we're going to do the hard work of posting for you. We're up to our eyeballs in sleeping and eating right now.